the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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