Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
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it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
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Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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