i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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