If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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