:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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