Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
this just has baby written all over it
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
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