and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
