I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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