M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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