just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
