We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
