so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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