I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
