just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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