i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
