and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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