Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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