I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
