i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
