there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
