god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
