You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
