my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
