He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I wish there were birth control emojis
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
