I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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