he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
