i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I enjoy the company of your penis
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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