take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
