I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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