She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
