Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
