Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
