Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
