I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
