i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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