I can text with my tongue
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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