You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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