I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
where are my eyebrows?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
