I must be too annoying 4 u.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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