Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
