I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
