tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I need a beard to bite.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
