I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
sarcasm needs its own font
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
