The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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