I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
