I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
