I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
