there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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