Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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