Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
