Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
