I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
