Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
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