I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
